Turning Spiritual Gains into Dead Idols

Meditation for me of late has become de-energized along a few different lines. I'll share some here.

I have made progress and this has turned into a mental assertion that is eroding gradually the energy that made the progress possible in the first place. Think of it as resting on laurels. Mindfulness has been replaced for me by a very subtle mental conceit that divides the practice with the concept of the practice. The latter can fake it as the substance of being mindful up to a point, but then you notice its effects in day-to-day life and meditation. The mind can objectify gains in a clever attempt to lure you away from doing the real thing. Instead of practicing intentionally, the idol pops up and says, "You have me! It's just maintenance – all polishing and dusting at this point! Don't get so into it! You're over the hump and something-something will happen in the future and it will be good..."

Lately, I've felt myself sliding back into old ways of being. I've lost some of the inexpressible, microsecond flashes where the field of delusion weakens. The kilesas are very quick to "repair" the damage caused by mindfulness. You can find yourself being carried on a leaf floating down a fast moving stream to Nowhere Good. The Dhammapada reminds us that the mind is unruly and rushes wherever it wills, or that it's like a fish wiggling and thrashing on dry land.

Another de-energizing trend of late has been around the thought that living a good moral life will lead to a better next life. Death is not eternal and when this body wears out, I'll get a new one that's better if I just keep my nose clean, don't swat at mosquitos, etc. This is a very common, very practical view that is found in Buddhist societies among the laity. Freedom from future births is not something we reach in this life, especially as laymen. Therefore, it's best to scale back on the try-hard efforting that motivated us as n00bs. Enthusiasm is understandable in the beginning, but really, how much can you do in one lifetime, on your own, by yourself?

This question is an insidious invitation to re-accommodate oneself to the old ways. Instead of being aware of positive and negative currents as they arise and fade, you begin merging back into them, passively identifying with them because of a lazy refusal to discriminate. The re-binding conveniently leaves out that the effort applied in this life, regardless of state and circumstances, can only lead to the easing of suffering here, now.

Labor Day weekend of 2023, I ended work, went aside to the driveway and did a 40 minute walking meditation. After that, I went inside and sat for another 30 or 40 minutes. What followed was two days of clear awareness. Everything was easy and relaxing. There was just being present and gliding through activities, from chewing to cleaning to whatever. Nothing was hard, irritating or consuming. It was a three day weekend unlike any other. Mental chatter was almost completely muted. I kept referring to it as "the flow" in the weeks that followed.

I knew this thing was the fruit of practice and I've experienced it a few times since then. One day while working in my office, there was the experience of lightness where the body just was and would (someday) not be and that was just super because I wasn't the body. Using the conventions of words and grammar to relay these types of experiences can set one up for being misunderstood, by oneself or by others. Still we try.

This memory of a good weekend is already interpreted and heavily filtered now many months later. The mind has had time to reorganize it and turn it into a trophy that sits on the mantlepiece. Instead of continuing the work that makes every day a Labor Day experience like I had, it's reified and used as a prop to avoid continuation along the path that leads to final dissolution and exit from the circus. Doesn't matter whether in this life or some other 100 lifetimes down the road. Some practitioners get hung up on old breakthroughs and keep looking back over a shoulder with longing. Other times, the past is reconstructed as an achievement and now it's just about becoming a stream enterer in some vaguely defined future where more nice things will happen to me. Or whatever. The mind is delusional and it needs very little to get itself turned sideways.

Another obstacle that trips me up is the place of renunciation in the lay life. Giving up stuff is a good way to make yourself happier. But as a layman, there is always the thought that it's fine to enjoy simple pleasures because hey, we are making progress. I guess it's like being on a diet but deciding that it's not so worthwhile that you should give up all sweets and dainties. Look how much weight I've lost! I'm not a monk you know, so let's eat this big chocolate brownie with ice cream!

Views are boxes we open and close as needed in response to situations real or imagined. Inside them are contents that we pull out and put on to wear for different occasions and, by force of habit and the familiarity that goes with repetition, we can find our views to be noble sounding patterns of personal convention lacking any vitality. Compartmentalizing the dhamma is a risk that goes with being compartmentalized beings. It's also a way to find ourselves just treading along, thinking we are going somewhere and somehow, will get to the Final Goal if we just remain heads down.

There's some spiritual power in persistence. One thing I've avoided doing is spending lots and lots of time reading Buddhist books and staying absorbed in views about Buddhism. The urge to theorize on what Ultimate Reality is one that draws everyone into grasping at straws. Instead of practicing basic mindfulness of mental states, how my body is situated, what is going on around me, etc. I can easily get lost in pondering abstract metaphysical questions that have nothing to do with ending suffering and breaking the cycle of birth and death. Academic Buddhism is something that does not appeal to me because it just becomes a source of views and thoughts instead of serving as a life raft.

The Three Marks of Existence – the unsatisfactory of existence, the impermanence of everything and the absence of any real Self – can easily turn into theorems, touchstones of mental activity that lead us into thinking we are on the raft heading towards the Limitless Ocean of Ultimate Reality. But these are just views and propositions in the deluded mind. Its useful to have these as places to come home to, but they are meant to be explored daily, moment-to-moment. Laymen should strive to see them as much as possible in daily life, so that they don't turn into dead idols of the hearth. The Marks are not propositions, but positive forces which can move us. Always be aware, stay frosty. Daily meditation is supposed to inform our daily activities and not turn into something we place back in the box when we are finished. Mara and the kilesas lay traps for people who embark on the Noble Path.